TL;DR - Not dead yet.
0530 I sleep comfortably, for the first time in years. No cat scratching the door, no jolly green giant kicking me at night, and no children of the corn throwing up at . I actually feel refreshed.
|This is what being single must feel like|
0600 I take a hot shower without a single interruption. This is amazing. I might never go back. I am able to walk around the hotel room and drink my coffee, naked. Maybe they'll pay me to stay in this hotel. I hear they have a fancy breakfast. That's probably better than the nutella and reese's peanut butter cup I typically have.
0630 I go downstairs and get 5 pieces of bacon, 2 eggs (scrambled), a jelly donut, 1.5 pancakes, a few croissants, and an apple. Because I'm healthy. Meander back up to the room and walk around naked again, just enjoying the silence.
|Sorry, not sorry|
0715 HOLY SHIT, I'm going to be late for work!
0720 I pull on my pant-suit and grey cardigan and speed down the road to work. I get lost.
0729 Walked in the door, no big deal. I can do this. Cellphone goes off, ringtone is still the theme song from the Wiggles. Now muted.
|That purple Wiggle is such a dreamboat|
0730 I find the training room, find a seat at the front of the room and put the apple on the teacher's desk. I wink. I'm totally gonna ace this.
0745 The teacher finally starts. Wait, there's no test or homework? What kind of crap is this? How am I going to be the best in the class?
0800 I finish filling out my HR paperwork. YES! I finished first! I've still got it. I look around the room, smiling smugly. Nobody seems to care.
0830 Man, this pantsuit is giving me a wedgie. I realize I forgot to put on underwear.
0900 Pee break. I almost forget to lock the door to the stall. So used to having people watch me while I pee.
0915 Mingling with future co-workers. I ask them if they've seen "Frozen". They have not.
0916 I find another person to talk to. Maybe we have something in common. She looks broken, with baggy eyes, makeup applied with an unpracticed hand, and crayon marks on her sweater. We commiserate about our toddlers, and she compliments me on the amount of pet hair stuck on my pants. I fear that I have befriended the wrong person, and might be too late to re-align.
0945 I have no idea what the instructor is talking about. I think I passed out for the past 15 minutes. I start playing Angry Birds on my iphone. Oops, the sound was on. People are looking at me. I sink further into my seat, and browse reddit instead.
1030 I have to keep telling myself to not click on the "NSFW" subreddit, as I typically do at 1030 every morning. This whole "work" thing is going to be more difficult than I thought.
1130 Lunch break. FINALLY. I go outside and let out a huge fart.
1135 Cafeteria lunch is delicious. It actually has flavor! I almost forget that I need to use napkins and silverware. I am sitting with some coworkers. I cut their food into small pieces with my fork.
1145 No time for a real workout, so I just run up the stairs a few times. This is difficult in high heels, but that just makes it a better workout, because I am a glutton for punishment.
1215 Class starts again. I have a slight sheen of sweat across my brow. Coworker notes that my back has a giant sweat mark. I am rocking this "adult" thing.
1300 I'm hungry again. I open my purse. Cheerios fall out onto the floor. I eat them anyway. #noshame
1400 My hand is cramping from filling out all this in-doc paperwork. I have signed my name more times in the past 5 hours than when I signed for a mortgage.
1345 The guy sitting next to me sneezes. I pull out a tissue from my pocket and wipe his nose. He says "thank you, ma'am." I knew people would finally appreciate my skills!
1415 I am really missing my mid-day nap. Maybe I can just close my eyes for a few minutes. I start to nod off.
1416 My head hits the desk. I wipe the drool off my cheek and look around. I don't think anybody noticed.
1420 I start to doodle on my paperwork. Around this time I am usually sending inappropriate pictures to Kari. I take a selfie instead.
1445 I've caught up on every single unread reddit post.
1500 I think about my kids for the first time today. (I've thought about the dog and cat a lot more)
1530 I go to the bathroom. Not because I have to make a deposit, but just to get some alone time.
1540 The motion-activated light goes out in the bathroom.
1600 I get back to the classroom just as they're wrapping up for the day. Success! The first day of work is complete, and I survived! I stand up and start dancing the "cabbage patch". Two other people join in (one does the running-man, and the other does the robot). I think they have accepted me into the group.
It must be all the Axe body spray.
This post was subcontracted out due to the blog author now being a urban professional.