School is out!

It wasn't too long ago that I was extremely excited to hear the phrase "last day of school!". Summer time was fun! No homework! No getting up early! Wheee!

Now that I'm the parent, it's all different. School is awesome. It's my break from having two kids at home and it tires out the toddler, which is priceless. Ever since I saw that the last day of school was today, I've been repressing my anguish.

Today was my last day of having just the baby with me until September, so I decided to live it up (cicadas be damned!) and meet a friend for a stroller run. Normally when I do this, I get to the meeting spot early so I can feed Cordelia before we start. I was delayed by construction so I had to hurry through trying to feed her (she wasn't too interested anyway). We started running and for a mile or so, everything was wonderful.

Cordelia started to cry, which wasn't shocking, but she wasn't calming down and I had a suspicion that she wasn't going to doze off in the stroller because she was hungry. The pacifier wasn't cutting it, so we decided to turn into a neighborhood and look for a playground with benches. Of course I didn't have my nursing cover with me, but I had the rain shield for the stroller so I figured I could MacGyver a solution. I found a bench and pulled the screaming baby from the stroller and my running buddy kept running laps around the neighborhood while she waited because she's hardcore like that. I got the baby situated and looked up to see an old lady sitting on her porch giving me the stink eye and she continued to stare at me the whole time. I sat there, dripping sweat on my baby as she ate, and gave the old lady some serious bitch face in return.

If I can't nurse without a cover on a random bench in a neighborhood where I don't live, what is the world coming to??

Cordelia passed out as soon as we started running again, so then I only had to worry about the cicadas trying to jump on me as I ran by and making up the hills without bursting a lung. I finished up the run with a little over 6 miles and I was drenched in sweat from the humidity. Maryland summers are not kind and this one is tricky because we didn't really have a spring since it was so cool. On my drive home, I was blasting the AC and listening to awful music when a bird flew into my car.

I thought that maybe I was wrong and I had missed it, but when I got home I found feathers stuck to my bumper so I'm pretty sure I'm a bird murderer. I'm going to add that to my list of things I've run over (which includes a turtle and a skink). At least the only witness to my crime is too young to talk.

Your secret is safe with me 

I don't think the reality of school being out for the summer will set in until next week when we don't have anywhere to go on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. I have activities lined up, but some of them don't start until July and until then I'm just stuck with the crazy toddler and the baby all day every day. I think we'll be OK because we always seem to find amusing things to do.

Forehead fights!

What was your favorite summer activity as a kid? I loved activity camps like dance camp and horse camp!

Have you ever killed something with your car? 

Living Nightmare

Everyone has stuff that really bothers them: the sight of a needle going into someone, the sound of a knife being sharpened, pictures of vomit, some freaks are even afraid of flowers, and the list could really go on and on. I'm OK with most things (other than heights, but that's just good sense), but I HATE the sound of a bug getting crushed. I don't know why exactly, but it means I can't crush bugs. I just can't. I have to spray them with something and use pieces of paper to pick up their dead bodies and flush them.

Luckily for me, my husband does all of the bug killing in the house. If he comes home and sees a glass on the floor with a book on top of it, he knows it's a special surprise I've left for him. He's a lucky man.

It's a special event this year, one that only happens every 17 years, and it's pretty much my living nightmare.

The cicadas are here.

I've lived through one of these "hatching events" before when I was in college (it was a different 17 year brood) and it was awful. Now they are here in MD and we are right in the thick of it. A week or so ago, you could literally hear them hatching in the woods in our neighborhood. It sounded like it was raining but it was just the POP POP POP of them coming out of their slimy little shells.

And now this is what we have:

Are you grossed out yet?

When I took the double stroller out for a run yesterday morning, it was muggy and overcast and I almost couldn't hear Faith's normal narration of our run (A TRACTOR! A BIRD! and so on)  over the never-ending droning of cicadas looking for a little action. Those horny bugs are only awake for one thing and that's good because they are obviously too stupid to live. They were all over the road and the double is pretty wide so I kept running them over and hearing that sickening "squish" sound.

Cicadas aren't just suicidal, as they also really suck at flying. They are bottom heavy and have stupid little wings, yet they insist on flying at human head level. One almost flew into the side of my head during that run yesterday morning and I spent the rest of the run thinking my ponytail was a cicada landing on my back. I can't even trust my hair in times like this.

Just picture hair instead of dinosaurs for this

So the only answer to not leave my house until the cicadas are all done fucking each other and dying. I heard on the news that some people are coping with this infestation by eating the cicadas, but I want nothing to do with that Lion King level shit.

I ran 7 miles on the treadmill today just to avoid going outside and risk stepping on a cicada. I should be ashamed, but I feel strangely OK with my life decisions.

I feel the need for a palate cleanser after all this bug talk. Fat happy baby time!

I'm happy as long as I'm full!

I picked the winner for the Spartan Race and the lucky person is Jon Palmer! Funny story about Jon: he once saved Peanut's life. She got attacked by a pit bull at a dog park and it was the most terrifying thing ever and I couldn't stop it, but he reached into the pit's mouth and got the insane dog to release Peanut (and got bit in the process and needed serious stitches). I'm really happy the random number generator picked him because I think he should have good karma for life for saving my goofy dog.

I'm a lover not a fighter

Can you crush a big bug without feeling super grossed out? 

Do you judge dogs by their breed? I try not to, but I have to admit that ever since that pit attacked Peanut, I am leery of them. I guess I am a dog breedist. I should find a support group for that.

Beauty sleep and Cookie Monster butt kissing

So it seems like many of you lack that hardcore spirit to do a Spartan Race, even after I described them in wonderful detail. What could be more fun than rolling around in mud and tapping into your primal side with an audience to witness it?

Just like this

I'm coming off a full week of being pretty sick. Normally I bounce back from stuff pretty quickly, but this virus kicked my ass. I'm either getting old or it's hard to get better when you only get a few hours of sleep every night.

I scaled back my running last week because of being sick, which is unusually wise of me. Normally I just keep running anyway, but I was hacking up giant green slimy globs of shit and that made running less than fun. I know you wanted to know the color and texture of things I've been coughing up.

Peanut was the one who really suffered from my scaled back running, especially the lack of a long weekend run outside. Behold, the world's saddest dog:

My life is awful

Faith was concerned about Peanut's mood. At first she tried to give her hugs:

Nope, my life is still awful

Finally she decided that Peanut needed Cookie Monster to kiss her butt. It must have pleased the dog because she slept for over an hour like this:

Finally, the respect I deserve.

I'm finally feeling better (and not coughing anymore!) so I'm hoping to have a better running week. There is a long weekend coming up which should mean I have more chances to slip out of the house for non-treadmill running. It also means I'll probably get a chance to nap, so basically I'm super excited for the weekend already. Napping and running are my two favorite weekend activities, with eating as a close third.


What are your favorite weekend activities? Don't say housework, we all know you're lying.


There is still time to enter to win a free entry to a Spartan Race (this is seriously worth $$ since these things are overpriced). Not many people have entered, so you have a decent shot at winning!

This...is....FREE STUFF!

Being a badass back in the day was hard. You had to do things that were actually difficult and then it was tough to make sure everyone knew you were a badass because you couldn't just Instagram a picture of yourself doing epic shit. Luckily for everyone today, it's much easier to buy yourself the "badass" label and let everyone know that you actually got dirty doing something.

Middle class white people paying money to get dirty. Priceless

The market is pretty saturated with mud runs, so some race series are seeking out a niche of being actually difficult versus the standard "You can be pretty drunk and still finish" mud run. One of these race series is the Spartan Race, which plays off the historic tough guy credentials of Sparta.

Sadly most people think the movie "300" was an actual historical documentary and don't see the irony of having swag bags, a DJ, and fully stocked aid stations at a "Spartan" affair.  Also, I'm not sure actual Spartans would have said "Oh, you tried the obstacle and you are too scared to do it? Just do some burpees instead and move on to the next one". On the other hand, it does almost make me want to go spectate an event just to see people doing their Burpees of Shame.

Unlike mud runs like the Warrior Dash, the Spartan Race series has levels of difficulty. Let's break it down:


Spartan Sprint: 5K distance, 15 obstacles. 99.9% of the entrants finish this race so don't feel too proud of your medal for this one.

Super Spartan: 8 miles, 20 obstacles. Since this basically has the same amount of obstacles as the Sprint, one would have to assume that large portions of this race are aimlessly running through open fields. Don't worry, after you finish you get a catered meal and a DJ to play "Eye of the Tiger" to reinforce just how much of a badass you really are.

Spartan Beast: 10-12 miles, 25 obstacles. They claim "many will arrive but few will leave!" [verbatim from their website] so I have to assume this is a Hunger Games type situation. May the odds be ever in your favor bitches!

Death Race: 48 hour adventure race. Despite the name, no one actually dies and it's just a ultra marathon with puzzles and shit. Yes, that's right...puzzles. Nothing says "I'm a badass" like solving a mind teaser while covered in dirt tainted with fecal matter after being awake for 36 hours. 90% of the people who enter don't complete this race, so that's a real self esteem booster for the majority of customers. Not everyone is cut out for hardcore challenges like "chopping a bushel of onions". I'm not even making this shit up.

You're probably wondering why I'm writing about the Spartan Race series when I've said in the past that I won't run these kinds of races. Well, the nice PR people for the Spartan Race series offered to give a free race entry to one of my readers and they said I could mock and ridicule their events, so how could I resist that? I know that some of my readers would love a chance to run one of these events and I'm a people person who likes to make everyone happy.

If you want a chance to win a free race entry code (good for any event in the continental United States, click here to see race locations) just leave a comment and I'll pick a winner on Tuesday, May 21st. You don't have to "like" them on Facebook or any of that shit, just a simple comment is enough. Even if you comment "These races are bullshit and I'd never run one" if the random number generator selects you, then you're the winner. Mazel fucking tov.

If you don't win and still want to register for an event, here's a code for 15% off any race. Good luck and I hope if you really want the free entry that you win it.

Spartan Race is providing the free entry (duh) and obviously these are all my own opinions and I wasn't compensated in any way. That's right bitches, I did this all for you. You better run at least the 8 mile one in my honor. 

Faith Lou Retton

Today was a pretty special day. It was day one of Faith's transformation into a future Olympian.

I'm ready for the Wheaties box!

Or...it could be first day of Mom and Tot gymnastics class. Faith was far more interested in the ball pit and slide so I'm not sure I have a future Mary Lou Retton on my hands. I did find out that it's hard to do a "Mommy and Me" class when I'm toting around 17lbs of baby chunk.

This chunk is your doing

The other thing that I realized today is that gymnastic gyms are stinky places. I thought I was used to that "foot smell" since I have quite a few years of martial arts experience to draw from, but this was a new level.

Sweaty feet and wet diapers

All those sweaty communal mats were freaking me out too. That place must be a ringworm factory. I might bring my own Purell sponsored decontamination tent for next week's lesson.

Faith didn't hate the class, but she seemed really overwhelmed by the whole experience. She refused to do things like hang on a bar or walk on a low balance beam, so we have lots of room for improvement. One of Faith's friends from school signed up too so I think that will help her feel comfortable. At least it gives me someone to talk to while trying to not inhale the foot smell. Also watching little kids do gymnastics is hilarious. They have no fear of death and no coordination, it's a fantastic combination.

Spending the morning at the gymnastics lesson cut into my running time, which is a bummer but I thought I'd still be able to get 7 miles done. I barely got a 10K done because the baby wasn't feeling the whole "napping" thing today. It's fun because then she's cranky because she's tired but then can't sleep because she's too tired. Babies really struggle at life.

I punished her for waking up early by making her watch me vacuum and mop the floors. You might not think that's a punishment, but you've never seen me clean.

Now you're getting the idea

The is the first of many fun summer activities I have planned for Faith. I just hope the other ones aren't as smelly.


Did you take gymnastics as a kid? I never did which is probably why I can barely cartwheel now...not that cartwheeling comes up too often.

Do you clean like a normal person or do you dance around like a goofball? You can admit it, this is a safe place.

Feelin' Better

After Monday's rantings, I think I'm good for at least a week with bitching and moaning about trivial shit. Probably. No promises.

I do really hate toast crumbs in butter

I'm not over being sick, but I've moved on from having a dry, hacking cough to having a wet, productive cough. It sounds like I have a touch of the consumption.

Just inserting those two GIFs made me laugh so hard that I started coughing. I think that might have been my favorite episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia ever, but it's hard to pick just one.

Both kids still have a touch of the virus too, but they don't seem to notice it. My husband had it for like two days and we think his lack of tonsils helped me not be sick for 10 days like me. Freaking tonsils, what are they good for anyway?

Other than being a little sick, everything else is normal. Faith still hates when her sister sits next to her.

My genetics = awesome bitchface 

Oh, did you want your toys? Too bad. 

No matter how many times Faith takes her toys or how much Faith glares at her, Cordelia still doesn't get the hint. I think Faith secretly loves it, and I even caught them holding hands.

This is a big deal

On a funny yet unrelated note, do you want to know what happens when you find an awesome rug for the playroom on clearance?

HEY-O!

I thought that I was such a savvy shopper when I snagged this $450 rug for $87, but now I'm thinking there is a reason it was marked down so much. I considered "fixing" it with paint or bleach, but the lettering is raised so it's problematic. I'm not going to return it (it's still a really high quality rug and perfect for the room), and in general I hate returning things I buy online. It has to be really, REALLY bad for me to do that. Maybe I'll get Faith a dollhouse for her birthday and we can put it over the spelling error?


Do you also hate to return online purchases or am I just really lazy?

Do you still have your tonsils? After this past week I'm considering taking mine out by myself with a spoon in the bathroom.

Random Rants

As you probably gathered from my whiny post yesterday, I'm not feeling like myself and my throat is full of a thousand little daggers. Unsurprisingly, this makes me cranky and when I'm cranky, I like to complain. Let's review a few things that are currently annoying me.


Game of Thrones. I've talked about this before, but the show pissed me off last night so here we go again. I stayed up to watch the show last night because by my calculations we were due for some serious blood and carnage, and that's how I like to top off my Mother's Day. During the show, Robb Stark was all "Oh, it's raining. I guess we're going to be late to get to the Frey's". WHAT? I stayed up to see BLOOD and SADNESS and you give me this shit?

If I stay up until 10pm again, there had better be blood and gore, not just strange sex scenes with whores. HBO sure loves strange sex scenes with whores, even more than George R.R. Martin.


Over packing reusable bags. I try to be a good sport and remember to take my reusable grocery bags to the store and every single time I do, the cashier jams 50lbs of groceries into each bag. I have like 10 bags with me and I say "I have plenty of bags so you don't need to fill them up all the way" yet they seem to take it as some sort of sick challenge to see how many of my groceries they can shove in one stupid organic cloth bag.

Just this morning, the cashier could barely lift the bag with two hands and she didn't seem any problem with handing it to me while I was wearing a 17lb baby. Have you ever tried to lift shit while wearing a baby? You have to hold it awkwardly far from your body and choose between banging up your bread (so nicely jammed next to the tomato sauce) or smacking your spawn with the bag.

When I get plastic bags, they only pack them halfway (or else they'll split) so I think I'm going to care less about saving the earth and more about saving my back.

Feminists keeping their maiden names. I know some people feel really passionate about keeping their maiden name and I honestly don't give a fuck. The thing that bothers me is when people say "I'm a feminist so I'm not going to take my husband's name!". Maybe someone can enlighten me on this point because it makes no sense at all to keep the name your father gave you instead of taking your husband's name. Is that really how you're going to stick it to "the man" and rebel against the patriarchal norms? That one Woman's Studies class you took in college is really serving you well.

Personally, I don't see anything repressive about taking the name of the man you chose to spend your life with versus keeping the name of the man fate assigned to you by biology.


People who argue with me when I say I want to encourage my baby to crawl. Maybe the lesson here is to not argue with me when I'm tired and sick, but please don't think that my life will someone be SO MUCH HARDER once the baby is mobile. I want her to crawl because not being able to move is frustrating her and a frustrated baby is a whiny, grunty, squawky baby and my God, I just want some peace and quiet.

But look how cute I am!

Will she get into shit? No doubt. But maybe  just maybe crawling around the house creating mayhem will tire her out enough to sleep longer than three or four hours at a time at night.


People in the Church of No Gluten. Just like I don't want some lady to read to me from the Bible, I also don't want to hear about how cutting out gluten solved all of your life problems. If cutting out gluten made you lose 2 dress sizes and finally kick that meth habit, that's great. But I like gluten and I can eat a real cupcake without having mental trauma.

Does anyone wonder what the next "thing" will be? It was low-fat, then low-carb and now gluten free? Anyone want to place bets on the next fad? I feel like low sodium could be a thing because people would lose water weight, but low salt food is nasty so that is a downside.


Women's shorts. I spent all last summer wearing maternity shorts and since I need a real waistband this summer, I needed to find new shorts. That shouldn't be too hard, right? Too bad shorts only seem to come in "denim underwear" length (only appropriate on tiny teenagers) and Mom Jeans shorts.

Clearly the only solution is to move far enough north to never need shorts.


Stupid baby names.  The Social Security Administration released the list of the "Biggest Change in Popularity" baby names and it's proof that there should be some sort of test before you can have a baby.  Some examples for a boy:

Major (this is for an actual human boy, not a dog)
Messiah (can you imagine going through life with THAT name?)
King (seriously, these aren't dog names)
Maverick (my husband's brain just exploded a little)
Brantley (I can't even say that without a mocking twang in my voice)

Let's not leave out the girls:

Catalina (you know it's a baby not a boat, right?)
Raelynn (what a uneek spelling)
Haven (you know that's a show on the SyFy channel, right?)
Perla (like the fancy underwear? She's going to love that)


If I just bummed you out about the future of our country with those names, please enjoy this palate cleanser of Kanye West walking into a pole and then throwing an amazing hissy fit about it.





Anyone want to change my mind about the maiden name/feminism thing? Intelligent arguments can be persuasive.

Is anyone else angry about the random plot changes in Game of Thrones? 

Any guesses on the next diet fad after gluten-free runs its course?