Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Punishment workouts and spiteful horses

This is my first year in a long time where I'm a gym member during the holidays and it's making me feel a little like Jane Goodall. When I'm there, it's like I'm living inside a Self magazine that is full of tips of how to avoid eating evil holiday food so we don't (gasp!) gain weight over the holidays. Yet at the same time, we're all told to sign up for special Thanksgiving Day workouts so we can burn the appropriate amount of calories so we can eat some turkey and pie with minimal self loathing.

I'll work out on Thanksgiving Day, primarily because I do that pretty much every day that ends with a "Y" and we don't have to be anywhere in the morning. I'm not sure a 90 minute "Gobble Blaster" workout class will make me feel better about the gravy, but it will probably make it hurt to walk up and down the stairs. Isn't fitness fun??

Aside from judging people who fear Christmas cookies (seriously, just give your extras to me and we'll all be happy), I've been getting everything ready for Cordelia's procedure at Hopkins next week. I had no issues at all with the insurance, but when the hospital called me to let me know that the authorization processed, they kept referring to it as "your daughter's surgery" which made my eye twitch a little. Clearly I'm completely mentally prepared for next week.

Wait, wait I'm not ready either!
Almost there....

At least my kids are nice enough to trade off on making me worry about them. It's currently Cordelia's turn with all of her GI issues, so that means Faith is doing really well at school and speech therapy. We had our first parent teacher conference last week and we were actually shocked at how much Faith had learned in the two months she's been at the Montessori school.

Not shabby for a four year old

She's writing out words on her own and even starting to read. The best part of it all is how much she enjoys the school. Since we switched her from the church based preschool, almost all of her anxiety has dissipated. My own personal theory is that she was getting stressed out by having teachers who didn't have the necessary skills to effectively communicate with her. Also, the Montessori school really engages her mentally so she comes home worn out in a content way versus a frustrated way.

Working on fine motor skill development at school

As a random parting note, I give you this hilarious video that's been making the rounds online.

It's much better if you mentally image the horse saying "IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED? ARE YOU FUCKING SORRY??" as you watch.

Do you think gyms breed a weird perspective on the holidays? Maybe it's because I don't work in an office or go to a ton of holiday parties, but I really don't get this surplus of treats issue. I do vaguely recall it being more of an issue in a workplace where people bring in festive cookies or donuts. Man, I wish someone would do that here.

Monday, November 24, 2014

Mockingjays and Needs for Stuffing

Watching movies is awesome and eating good food is fantastic, so I spent most of my weekend doing those two things. I worked out as well, but it was really as a way to work up an appetite to eat more food. On an impulse, I decided to make a whole Thanksgiving dinner for us to eat this weekend, even though we are going to a family Thanksgiving on Thursday. I mentally justified it by making turkey that Cordelia could eat (she can't have garlic or onion), but really it was because I wanted to have a ton of leftovers in my freezer for later. You can tell that it wasn't really about Cordelia because I made the most FODMAP-unfriendly stuffing ever, but holy crap it was so good.


My husband lucked out this weekend, not only because I made him a full Thanksgiving meal, but I also didn't make him see the new Hunger Games movie. He's seen them all so far and he was pretty excited when I suggested going to see it with friends instead. It's almost like he doesn't like movies based on young adult books?

I enjoyed the movie, even in the packed sold out theater. The theater even had a special deal in honor of the Hunger Games, because watching people starve and die in a revolution really makes me need both candy and popcorn. Also, that soda is a medium.


The movie theater staff were serious about enforcing no talking and no cell phones. They actually forcefully removed a girl who had to be told twice to put her phone away. For the next Mockingjay release, they should make the ushers dress as Peacekeepers. You're welcome for that marketing idea.

While I think both actors do a good job with their roles, I still find it laughable that we are supposed to believe that Katniss is having any issues deciding which of these two she should be kissing.

Peeta is adorable and loyal...and little. Like a hobbit. I bet he even eats second breakfast and elevenses. We would all be laughing if Arwen had been going between Aragorn and Frodo.

The other movie I saw this weekend was 28 Days Later. Obviously it's not a new movie, but I had never seen it and felt that it was a glaring gap in my zombie repertoire. Well, it's not really a zombie movie because it's not about the dead rising up to eat the living, it's actually about living people getting a virus that makes them full of rage and aggression. At least, that's how I understood it. My main takeaway from viewing it was that the cat should not be allowed to sleep on my lap when I watch scary stuff because she will claw the crap out of my legs when I jump.

Whatever, your zombie movies bore me anyway

Did you see Mockingjay this weekend? Let's discuss and ruin it for anyone foolish enough to not go yet.

What's your favorite part of the Thanksgiving meal? Don't be the weirdo who says green bean casserole. That's not even edible.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Pansy animals and mockable workouts

First off, I think we should all take a moment to be grateful that we don't live in Buffalo right now.

Knock knock motherfucker

I'd like to think that if I lived in Buffalo, I have a house with snow resistant doors. I don't even know how you start cleaning up four billion tons of white bullshit.

Sure, we all laugh the flamethrower guy, but can you imagine trying to shovel this?

That's how you can tell someone is from Buffalo: they are smiling and happy while standing in four feet of snow, even though they know another storm is projected to dump two more feet of snow on top of it today.

In solidarity, actually mostly because I'm trying to be thrifty this year, I have lowered the thermostat in the house by two degrees. I barely noticed, the kids don't mind at all, but the cat and the dog are acting like they might die soon if I don't give them back those two degrees. I guess those fur coats are just for show?

I swear I got this dirty look from the cat today

Maybe I'm not feeling the cold so much because I've been actually lifting weights at the gym and getting buff. Well, not buff in a "Let's Instagram my flexing!" way, but in a "Hey, look at me actually not doing cardio!" way. I don't know, maybe I have to Instagram it to make it legit?

Don't worry, I'm not going to fall down the Crossfit rabbit hole. I think they would mock my Zumba love and that's just a friendship killer. Actually, I bet there isn't that much actual animosity, it's all probably online in meme form. I think in reality, no one really cares what work out you do, or at least they'd have the decency to smile and nod.

Do you mentally mock any workout? I'm sure there are more examples, but I always mentally roll my eyes at people walking on the treadmill with incline while holding onto the console for dear life. Just because the machine can't beep "Stop cheating" in Morse code doesn't mean you are actually nailing that workout.

What temp do you keep your house in the winter? I'm always impressed with people who keep it at like 60 degrees. That's some hard core shit. I'm a little chilly at 66 degrees.

Things I can't resist

Every night after the kids go to bed, my husband and I like to unwind and watch TV. I know, we are such special snowflakes and completely unlike absolutely every other American. Anyway, normally we compromise on what we're watching because we know what the other person hates to see (for me, baseball, for him, Buffy.)

Of course when he travels for work, I get free rein with the remote, but it's way more fun to watch TV if he's sitting in the room doing work on his lap top. He can't legitimately complain about what's on since he's not watching, but he can ask things like "How many times does a person really need to watch Troy?"

I can't think of any reason why someone would want to rewatch Troy every time it's on.

I actually hadn't seen it in a while and I forgot how much awesome man bitch face is in this movie.

After watching Troy, now I feel a deep need to rewatch Fight Club. I was inspired when Achilles had a little Tyler Durden moment.

In good news beyond Brad Pitt's abs, my stomach is finally showing some improvement. I think the doctor's decision to double up the medication is kicking in and I'm not longer feeling the urge to lay in the fetal position while gripping my stomach. Well, not most of the time anyway. Part of my problem was that once I felt a little bit better, I was ready to house some serious quantities of food.

Despite what the GI doctor said, I can't seem to eat whatever I want. Not yet anyway. As long as I stick to stomach friendly food, I'm happier. At least it's a good season for toast? I did figure out if I opened up a can of Coke and let it sit for two hours in the fridge, that made it flat enough for me to drink so I'm a happy person again. Yeah, I know Coke can eat through rust on rod iron so it must be doing awesome things to my insides, but it's Coke and it tastes so good.

What the one food or drink you could never give up? For most people, it's probably coffee. I don't drink coffee but I feel like I understand the obsession because of my deep Coke love.

What kind of movie is your guilty pleasure if you have control of the TV? I really adore anything with violence. That probably says something about my psyche.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Throwback Tuesday

Yeah, I know the actual appropriate day for old pictures is Thursday, but I was organizing my photo folders yesterday so we're doing this wildcard style.

In no particular order, here we go. Keep in mind that until Faith was born, I didn't even own a camera so (thankfully) I don't have much photographic proof of my past. What I do have are taken by someone else and pretty random.

First up, here is the dog that we meant to adopt instead of Peanut. I don't know why I still have this picture on my computer six years later, but isn't he cute? I had already decided to name him Tater but he got adopted right before we applied so we took his sister instead.

I like to think his name is still Tater

I have a whole folder of engagement pictures and there are all so laughably cheesy. I think our kids will get a big kick of these one day.

Why are we lying in the grass?

Before GIFs were a thing, I still had a folder of things I found online that I considered to be hilarious. It's like hipster internet humor.

I used to go hiking and running in all cotton clothing. I know, it boggles my mind too.

Such style

The first time I went to San Diego, no one explained to me how easy it is to get burned there. Normally, I don't burn easily but I got the worst sunburn of my life on my first day in San Diego. I looked like a lobster fresh from the pot and I had nasty blisters pop up the next day when I tried to work out.

Again, such style

Sometimes when I go to other people's weddings, I just hang out with bitches at the reception.

Because why not
That was the bride's dog and she had been in the ceremony, but the during the reception she was free range and wanted to hang out at the cool kids' table.

The last one is proof that before I had a blog, my husband used to let me take humorous pictures of him.

Hungry for BABY BRAINS

Do you have a ton of pictures of your younger days or are you like me with almost no evidence to prove existence before 2001? 

Monday, November 17, 2014

2014 continues to be awesome

As life goes on, I keep an ongoing list of "Things I Never Want to Do." Here are some excerpts from the current list: 

Give the cat a bath

Watch a Nicolas Sparks movie

Do Crossfit and eat a paleo diet and talk about it constantly

Hit myself in the face repeatedly with a mallet 

Put a two year old on a clear fluid diet for over 24 hours and also undergo colonscopy prep (i.e. giving her disgusting things to drink until she clears out every ounce of poop from her body)

Guess which of these I'm doing??

I know we're all gunning for the mallet choice, but unfortunately it's going to be a scoping procedure for Cordelia.

We tried really hard to avoid this, but her specialist at Hopkins thinks it's time to go ahead and do the procedure. They are going to do an endoscopy and a colonscopy at the same time (well, not literally) since she'll already be sedated. Hopefully after this, they will have a better idea of what is wrong with her GI system...or at least they will be able to rule some things out. The FODMAPS diet helped her some, but her issues are persisting. Obviously we can't control it with diet because she is already essentially living on unseasoned chicken, plain white rice, and justified rage.

She could have gotten into an earlier appointment, but we wanted the doctor who we met to be the one to do the procedure. This is the first time having a kid sedated for a medical procedure and it's helpful that I've met him and I feel like he understands my concerns as a mother.

I'm actually not as concerned about the procedure as I am about the prep. She has to stop eating food (just clear liquids) for over 24 hours before the procedure and I have to somehow get her to drink a substance that will make her poop her brains out. Do they make a strong enough Huggies for this?

Cordelia is a kid who resorts to violence and anger if lunch is 10 minutes late, so I'm sure this whole "Here, have some Jello and water!" thing is going to be a hit.

I'm sure the actual experience can't be as bad as I'm imagining, but I have until December 3rd to mentally obsess over it.

As long as we are on the topic of GI stuff, I might as well talk about my own GI appointment from last week. Since I was in a hurry, I made an appointment to see a local doctor. With everything else going on, it just seemed like too much of a hassle to research a GI doctor closer to civilization and find one that takes my insurance. The doctor I saw was nice enough, but she seemed completely unfazed by my sudden onset of pain and symptoms. She just gave me some refills for medications and told me I could eat or drink whatever I wanted, and even take Motrin. It's funny how her just saying that doesn't actually make it possible for me to do things like swallow a carbonated beverage or choke down potato chips.

I'm supposed to give the two medicines time to work (3-4 weeks) but if I don't start feeling better in a week or two, I'm probably going to get a second opinion. There is only so long that I can live without Coke and Lay's. Maybe I can ask them to check me out at Hopkins too, like some sort of two for one family deal? I'm sure that's a thing.

Does anyone have any experience in having a young kid get scoped? Any words of wisdom?

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

I need a new vice

My blogging schedule has been really off this week because I've been so busy with pressing plans.

I'm actually semi-functional again, at least I'm upright and the kids haven't realized they could overpower me yet. I'm still struggling with eating, mostly because it hurts to be hungry and it also hurts to eat (of course). The other big issue is throat pain. When I wake up in the morning, I feel like I drank Drano in my sleep. It's all going on my list of fun things to talk about with the GI doctor on Friday!

Oh, and for those who asked, I used to take 8 Advil a day, maybe 10 on a rare occasion. In a way, 8 is a lot, but for people with chronic pain it's probably standard. I'll be sure to report back on the actual cause of my abdominal issues so you can know if you should start fearing the little brown pills.

The really sad part of all of this is now I have dietary restrictions too.  Until told otherwise by the doctor, I'm supposed to avoid dairy, drinking, and caffeine. That list will probably only grow longer too. All I care about is how it's already been six days since I had a sweet, sweet Coke to drink.

Remember last week when my biggest problem was being told that I needed glasses?

In other news, I read this article yesterday and it provided me a lot of amusement. I read some of the comments and they were all like "This is just so depressing that someone could be so dishonest" and "This is so sad!" and I'm over here cracking up. So this lady, with a 4:25 marathon PR, cuts the course at a small marathon and crosses the finish line at 2:55 for the win. In her post race interview, she says “I was running really slow in the first half, but I threw the hammer down in the second half. My legs feel like lead and they’re a bit shaky right now, but my goal was to just finish and I was hoping to have a PR.”

I don't know what it was about the phrase "threw the hammer down" in the context of fake winning a marathon, but I really feel like this should be a set up for a Key and Peele sketch.

What should my new vice be? Apparently it won't be Coke or vodka for a while.

What did you think of the marathon story? I can't be the only one who just thought it was funny, especially how the grumpy old lady who actually won was the person who dug up the dirt on the "winner".