Monday, June 29, 2015

I'm just disappointed

Unless you've been under a rock, you heard about SCOTUS ruling that same sex marriages are now legal in all 50 states. It's been three days and I'm just disappointed.



In all seriousness, I'm so happy that everyone can enjoy the fun ride of legal marriage. The cherry on top of that is reading the comment section on Fox News stories and seeing people's heads explode.

Even without an Oxford comma, I still love it

In other news, apparently I'm not immune to normal human things like struggling with avoiding weight gain after starting an office job.


The issue is threefold: switching from a reasonable active SAHM mom lifestyle to a desk job, eating too much unhealthy shit, and getting older. I know, this is a shocking new problem that no one else has ever had. I could lie and say I'm trying to get on top of this issue for health reasons, but mostly it's vanity and my desire to feel less like a sausage in casing when I wear certain clothing items. For clarity, I'm talking about maybe 5-8lbs of weight gain. It's enough that my shorts aren't fitting comfortably but not enough that anyone besides me notices or gives a shit.

I have a pretty elaborate plan for remedying this situation: track what I eat and stop eating so much junk food.


I've been using MyFitnessPal for a week now and I've learned a few fun facts about myself.

1. I eat SO MUCH sodium. I knew I liked salt, but shit man. That app is always like "Bitch, are you serious right now with all this sodium?"

2. My food is not well distributed. More so on workdays, I'm eating about 50% of my food at night. I know this because the website helpfully shows me how much I suck at nutrition with pie charts.

3. I might have a slight sugar problem. When people say "I'm addicted to sugar" I never had a "Oh, me too!" reaction. In my mind, being addicted to something means going beyond just enjoying the taste. It's not like I'm hiding sugar packets in my bra and sneaking off to the bathroom for a fix.

The only significant diet changes I've made is giving up Coke on most days (I KNOW) and lunch dessert. Yes, I was eating lunch dessert. Yes, I was completely surprised when my shorts got tight.

I'm pretty sure it will take me as long to fix this issue as it took me to create it, so brace yourself for a few months of bitching about that judgy MyFitnessPal app.



That link is actually for my food and exercise log so read along and enjoy some schadenfreude on a Monday morning. Feel free to email me with nutritionally focused taunts.


What would be the hardest thing for you to give up from your daily eats? I dream about Coke. I thought cutting back to one can a day would be enough but nope.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

The bottom line is that I'm lazy

We spent the weekend doing one of my most favorite things in the world: traveling with small children.



Faith's facial expression in this picture pretty much sums up my feelings on the matter. Road trips are the only time that I really miss both kids being in diapers. I've been in way too many horrible gas station bathrooms in the past week. At least half of the time, I'm sure that Faith doesn't really need to go but she knows she can get me to buy her a lollipop, especially if she's brave about an automatic flushing toilet.

Nope, just shameless bribery

I shouldn't complain about the kids and traveling because they are actually really good. It's mostly that they just have so much energy. I don't know what their teachers' salary is, but it should probably be more. You know, unless that would increase the tuition.



Travel derails my working out for two ridiculous reasons (I might be alone on this).

1. I just don't have the will to pack workout clothes. I'm already packing for two other people and I just don't have it in me to pack workout clothes if we are going to be gone for less than three days.

2. I don't want to stress about finding time. At home, I get up and workout before the kids are awake but that's not really a friendly thing to do when you're staying with someone else. Also I usually end up sleeping with Cordelia when we are away from home because I'm a sucker and I'll do anything to keep her from waking up Faith.



Don't worry, I worked out twice yesterday as atonement. Not really, it was more because I had a chance to do it, but however you want to look at it, that's fine with me.

Just as a poll for my own amusement, how many people never take a turn driving when on trips with their other half? I don't really enjoy driving and my husband doesn't enjoy my driving either, so it works out but maybe I'm hurting the feminist cause.



Do you work out when you're on a short trip, or do you just say "Aw, screw it" like me?

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Toliet Frogs and Other Horrors

Since we moved to southern MD, I've had to endure dozens black widow spiders in my garage, snakes in my yard, lizards on the deck, and giant freaking raccoons in the drainage pipe under our driveway. As you probably guessed, I handled all of these things with my usual grace and decorum.



We don't really get too much "wildlife" in the house, especially now that we have a cat. She's a bug assassin.

If we do get stuff in the house, it's usually near a doorway or in the basement. This is why I was so surprised to find this on the kids' bathroom sink.

WTF
Can I poke it?

At first I thought the frog must be dead, but he was actually just taking a really restful nap. For the record, my husband wanted to enact the Final Solution on the frog intruder but I saved him by pointing out that the kids are old enough to care.

Can we poke it NOW?


If frogs are like mice and they just come back inside, then I'll be the first to admit that I was wrong here. We (meaning my husband did it and I did nothing) put it in a Gatorade bottle and then tossed the frog outside. According the internet, the frog dude should be fine since we live in a freaking swampland.

Of course the real question here is how did that tiny tree frog get in the house and all the way upstairs and down the hall to the kids' bathroom? Well, according to Florida people, here's the entry method: the motherfucking toilet.

 





When I was a little kid, probably about Faith's age, I was terrified to use the toilet at night because I had seen a scary movie cover at Blockbuster (yeah, you remember back before Netflix?) and it depicted a monster coming out of a toilet. I have long comforted myself with the fact that of course nothing is going to come up out of my toilet.




Here's to the end of relaxed nighttime peeing!

In other horrifying news, the show Game of Thrones is making me question my book reading certainty about the fate of some of the characters. If shit doesn't turn out the way I expect in Season 6, I'm joining Team White Walkers.

Look how friendly and inviting?

What if this whole show/book series is actually setting us up to be on the side of the Others and their armies of wights? They are making it seem like everyone in Westeros could use a good killing and rebirth as a blue eyed minion.


What is the weirdest animal you've had in your house? Any toilet stories?

Feel free to vent about the GOT finale and that stupid EW interview where Jon Snow proved that he really knows nothing.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

A Cheat Sheet for Success in the Workplace

I've been working full time again for almost 2.5 months so it's clearly time for me to impart some of my expertise to the world. Here are some tips for guaranteed workplace success:

1. Be friendly with whoever you're sitting near. My office is soon moving to a hotel model so I'm going to have so many chances to make an awesome first impression on an officemate.







2. Always respect the opinions of others. People love when they feel like they are heard and appreciated.



3. Make sure you stay awake and alert! This can be hard, especially during a quiet afternoon. These tips really help me:


4. Compliment your coworkers. The best way to make friends is to notice little details, like a new perfume.




5. Dress to impress. Make sure you highlight the most impressive parts of your physique with your clothing choices.




6. Find common ground. Lots of office workers enjoy fitness, so that's a good ice breaker!





What's your #1 tip on immediately establishing dominance with a new officemate?




Monday, June 8, 2015

Baltimore Ten Mile Race Recap

Subtitle: Brace Yourself, Bitching is Coming

Like a lot of people, I used to be a faster runner. Speed is a slippery, hard to maintain thing and it's also relative to every person. Currently I'm limited on how often I can run, so I pretty much have to take what I can get speed-wise. In my head, running a slower pace should feel easier. The hardest part about being on Team I Used to be Faster is expending a near PR level effort for a much slower time. In order to enjoy myself in races now, I have to pretty much get over myself.



I drove up to Baltimore early on Saturday morning. By early, I mean I was in Wawa getting coffee at the same time as one of the classy local "ladies of the night" was buying her end of the night cigarettes, paid for with damp, wrinkly cleavage money. In a lovely instance of continuity, I also had a prostitute looking lady yell at us during the race for "being in her fucking way".




Race morning logistics were straightforward, but the parking situation was fairly backed up. I'd really recommend against arriving 30 minutes before race start, or you might be like me and end up sitting and waiting in your van with a topless chick in the back.


How every good race should start

Alyssa tried to get us to drink her milk and insisted it was actually the best sports drink. I probably would have PRed if I had listened, but I guess I wasn't in it to win it. We missed the formal start of the race and but we were able to jump in with the 1:30 pace area. The race had a corral system but it wasn't enforced at all and the beginning was really congested.



Baltimore is known to be hilly and it's important to explain that we aren't talking about the super steep San Francisco type hills. We are talking about the sneaky, long kind of hill that makes you think you're just slow and fat now and everything is hard and there must be something wrong with the air because it's not doing that oxygen thing that you need.



Because it was Baltimore, there was a significant police presence at the race. I've done my fair share of races and I've never seen so many police at an event. By the time you ran past one of them, you could already see another. I bet they really enjoyed their morning of watching hundreds of sweaty people shuffle by them.



After the first three miles, the race was a struggle-fest for me. Luckily Alyssa and Ashley were welcome distractions and they chatted and told stories and I had fun during the race. If anyone is considering doing this, you should know that the last two miles are basically uphill.


Since it was my birthday on race day, I used that as an excuse for a walk break on part of that hill. I'm starting 32 with avoiding pain. This may be the Year of Avoiding Pain actually. It has a nice ring to it.

We finished at 1:36, which is significantly slower than my PR, yet still felt like hard work. We did manage the energy to take one picture where we contorted ourselves to look as skinny as possible.

Ashley is covering up her skinniness to help us look better, what a team player!

The post race area was really well set up. The race seemed to be lacking in volunteers, so the ones that were there were busting their butts to meet the demands of all the runners. There was a live band playing 90s covers and a big grassy area for prostrating yourself. Also, we all got a nice pullover for a race premium.

Better than a medal
 I'm signed up for another hot weather 10 mile race (the Annapolis 10 Miler in August) so clearly I'm good at learning my lesson. I think that course is also hilly?  On the plus side, there is a 5 Guys in Annapolis on my way home.

The clear spots are your window to weight gain

I was disappointed that the Annapolis 5 Guys didn't have milkshakes yet. One day I'll experience it. One day.




Are also on Team I Used To Be Faster, or are you faster now than in the past?

Would you drink 8 ounces of breastmilk if that meant you could PR a distance?

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Bubbles All Around: Springtime Fun with Aquafresh® Toothpaste

By the time April and May roll around, it feels like it's been cold forever. The kids and I are tired of indoor play time and even if it's still a little chilly we will go outside as soon as spring weather arrives.

The top three favorite spring activities for my kids are as follows:

1. Picking dandelions and/or spreading dandelion seeds all over our already weed heavy lawn
2. Stomping in puddles (or "muddy puddles" as they call it, thanks for nothing Peppa Pig).
3. Bubbles!

If there is a good breeze, it's perfect for Toddler Cardio Bubbles. Faith operates the bubble gun (a gift from their uncle) and Cordelia sprints after the bubbles.

Dance monkey, DANCE
BUBBLES

You'd think they would take turns chasing the bubbles, but that would be underestimating the bossiness inherent in a four-year-old older sister.
Hey baby, these bubbles don't chase themselves
Just like bubbles are an outside toy, lollipops are an outside snack. This is a good way for them to enjoy a springtime-themed treat (tulip-shaped lollipops) and not leave surprise sticky spots in the house.
I'm going to lick Mommy's car next

I can't wait to rub this all over my face

I like giving the kids a treat to enjoy, but I don't want the sugar to just fester in their mouths after they are done. I came up with a pretty groundbreaking solution to my "Outside playtime treat" dilemma: I put a set of toothbrushes and toothpaste in the downstairs bathroom so we can brush their teeth when we are washing hands after coming inside.

I know, you're probably shocked that I came up with this revolutionary idea all on my own. I do think it's much easier to stay on top of dental hygiene if it's easier, and it's hard to forget to do it if it's at arm's reach. It's even easier to take care of the kids' teeth if they have a fun toothpaste like Aquafresh Bubble Mint Paste. As you've seen, my kids are big fans of bubbles in general so this toothpaste is exciting for them and it makes protecting their teeth from sugar acids by brushing twice each day easy and fun.
Toddler approved
Visit the Aquafresh® toothpaste website here to learn more about protecting your teeth from cavities and from the sugar acids in everyday foods and treats.

What are some of your favorite ways to take care of your teeth on the go this spring? Tell me about your tips in the comments for a chance to win a $100 Visa gift card!


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Wednesday, June 3, 2015

A low bar is key for my success

For a lot of parenting related things, there are issues that eventually I'll need to deal with, but not for a long time. One of those things was fighting over the same boy.



Luckily (?) the boy in question seems to evenly split his attentions between Faith and Cordelia, but every morning on the way to school, the girls argue in the back about whose turn it is to play with him first that day. As you would imagine, this is a calm and measured discussion.




Trying to get them in the car and into school in the morning is already a challenging task, and I've been trying to be "better" at it. I use the quotes around better because I don't think there is a gold standard here, but my goal is to get them up, dressed and ready, and in the car without raising my voice at all. You'd think that would be a simple thing, but my kids (probably kids in general) seem to tune me out unless I raise my voice.



Since I'm an opportunistic person, I'm using their newfound obsession with the boy at school to my advantage. Do you have any idea how fast two little kids can get themselves in the car if you say "First one in gets to play with [boy's name] first at school today!" The best part is that I have no power over who plays with who first and the boy in question may not even BE at school today.



I'm on a two morning streak of going yell-free and it's nice to not harsh my post-work out high with yelling things like "Why are you taking your clothes off? STOP TAKING YOUR CLOTHES OFF!" or "I said put your shoes on, those are SLIPPERS!" I'd love to arrive at work and not feel like it's a small miracle that I made it.




Any tips from working moms on making the mornings smoother? The only idea I had was to make them sleep in the van, already in their school clothes.

Did you ever fight over a boy or a friend with a sibling?