Thursday, August 27, 2015

I mean, seriously now

I have to give credit where it's due: my kids have been rockstars this summer about staying healthy. Faith was sick for maybe half a day once and Cordelia was cruising along, being healthy as fuck. She woke up from her nap on Sunday and she was miserable and feverish. I gave her some Tylenol and in less than 30 minutes, she was asking to put on her bathing suit and go play outside.

She had a high-ish fever, but no other symptoms. We figured it was a virus and her fever broke after about 36 hours. She was crankier than usual, but otherwise fine. Until the rash started.

I don't remember getting any rash diseases when I was kid (beyond chicken pox) and I feel like my kids get Little House on the Prairie diseases here in southern MD. Faith had Scarlett freaking Fever and now Cordelia got this virus called Roseola.

She's totally fine now, but she looks like she has the measles. Don't worry, it's just body herpes.

A non-sickness "I mean, seriously now" moment occurred last week as a product of Faith doing a week of "Photography Camp" at her school. One of the things that I really love about my kids' school is how it's pretty diverse (especially considering the area) so some of her classmates have unusual names. She has occasionally mentioned playing with "Sho-shon" and at one point even told me that she picked her up. I assumed that some kid had a weird name (or that Faith was butchering the pronunciation) and reminded her that it's not nice to pick up other kids because you might hurt them. I got a sigh and an eye roll for that. She's a very advanced 5 year old.

When I was looking through the pictures she took on my camera, I found a surprising picture.

*May not be actual photo taken by my kid

The reason that I was surprised by this was that Faith has never once mentioned a freaking bunny at school and this kid is obsessed with animals. I asked her "There is a bunny at school?" and she said "Yeah, that's Sho-son."

I mean, seriously now.

Also, there is a lizard at school named Ting Ting. Of course. I'm pretty sure it's a gecko, but without picture evidence I'm not sure it's safe to assume anything.

Have you ever completely misunderstood something your kid told you?

Monday, August 24, 2015

Headless Bunnies and Minions

My Saturday morning started out early, because I was already outside starting my run as the sun came up. I had an appointment later that morning to meet with my trainer to get a new workout routine, so my plan was to just do a few miles so I wouldn't be totally dead before strength training. It was an amazingly beautiful morning with cool dry air and once you add in chatting with friends, I had gone 10 miles.

I lucked out because my trainer only made me go through the strength routines twice (instead of three) and judging by how sore I felt after, this is going to be an awesome month. I got a TRX system for my home gym and I can't wait to incorporate it more into my daily routine.

When I got home, my husband had the kids out back on the swings.

He had a funny look on his face and he told me "We have a dead animal issue" and pointed to the play set. I peeked behind the rock climbing wall and I saw a fairly big rabbit. Since it was somewhat wedged under there, I assumed it crawled in there to die since I didn't see any marks on it. Once I pulled it out (with gloves, because ew), I noticed that the bunny was missing something critical: its entire head.

The head was cleanly removed, which was disturbing. The fact that we found that in our fenced yard with no blood or eaten parts was even more disturbing. We really didn't understand how that headless bunny got into our yard and into the kid's play set, so we filed a report on it just in case it's going to be a new thing that happens around here. They actually sent someone out to meet our headless bunny, which I thought was overkill, but the officer did agree that this whole thing was "super weird".

According to my Google searching, this is likely the work of an owl, who reportedly really enjoy bunny brains, Big Foot, or a weirdo stalker. I'm not even making up the Big Foot thing, as he leaves headless bunnies as thank you presents for people. I'm not sure why he'd be thanking us, but that would be impolite to question. It could be a cat, but it would have to be a big cat because the rabbit was large (it was about the same size as my small cat).

Don't bring me into this

Even though the kids saw the dead, headless bunny, they seemed totally unfazed by it. I don't really understand that (should that be concerning?) but even Peanut didn't really care about the headless bunny.

As a palate cleanser for that morning, we took the kids out to see the Minions movie later in the afternoon. Faith was stoked and Cordelia was mostly confused about why we woke her up early from napping.

Faith loved the movie, but Cordelia was really scared at parts. I'm glad we could distract her from disturbing things by scaring the crap of her in a dark movie theater. At least they both enjoyed Red Robin after the movie, mostly because they got ice cream sundaes.

Hopefully not too traumatized

TL;DR: My kids found a mutilated dead bunny in their play set, it bothered the adults more than the kids,  and we likely have a sadistic owl and/or Big Foot in the woods next to our house.

Monday, August 17, 2015

5 Recent Going Ons

I have several very important life events to report.

1. We cut the cord. No, I don't mean I'm making the kids move out so they learn independence, I mean we don't have cable or DVR anymore. We are just watching whatever we can stream online, which is a lot between Netflix and Amazon Fire TV. We also got this app (?) on Amazon Fire called Pluto and it's a seriously random assortment of "TV" channels. There are sports channels and a Funny or Die channel, but my favorite so far is just called "Cute Cats 24/7". It's an endless feed of cats doing cat things. If you're into more literal pussy, there is the "Eye Candy" channel on Pluto that just seems to be moderately attractive females gyrating about to bad pop music.

2. I'm still sticking to tracking my food intake and MyFitnessPal is a harsh task master. I'm naturally a competitive person (breaking news to absolutely no one) and it's killing me that the app keeps resetting my "streak" just because I'm a few (um, 12) hours late in putting in my food. Why can't it just know what I'm eating and track it for me?

3. I got my hair colored to match my soul.

4. My running/working out is going really well. Physically, I feel really good. I'm still running only one day a week and some weight lifting exercises aggravate my nerve pain, but for the most part I'm feeling strong and pain free. I'm still lacking the confidence to try picking up yoga again. Just seeing pictures of people doing deep spine twists makes me feel...well, just like this:

5. Our garage is a murder den. We had a pretty bad black widow issue in the garage, so we have an exterminator service. Part of their de-spidering plan involves glue traps. Since black widows are so big (sorry for that mental image) the glue traps for them are sizable. We often get little lizards in the traps and the kids seem to think that yelling "WAKE UP LIZARD" will fix that issue (spoiler: nope). Last night we came home from a pool party and found a snake with its head caught in the glue and the poor thing was panicking. I figured I could just help detach him from the glue and he could go on his happy snake way.

I should have remembered from having mice in our apartment, but it's actually impossible to get a small animal off a glue trap.

Now I have to add "snake murderer" to my list, probably after skink but before turtle. I swear I never killed an animal before I moved to the sticks, unless you count all those ones I've eaten.

Have you ever had to kill an animal? I had to kill a chicken in college for a lab. Totally normal.

Do you prefer to go lighter or darker on your hair color? I'm a fan of the dark, I think it works better with my complexion.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Truimphing over Adversity

Like every single other person on the planet, I've been busy lately. It's funny how working full time really cuts into my time to just fuck-off on the internet. Also, being an adult at work is exhausting.

I'm also in the planning phases for the third year of the Frozen Heart 50K. I've heard the cries of the people and this year there will be a jacket and a medal. It's funny how people get so excited for race swag, like the race was free to enter and this is just some kind of gift they received based on merit. Of course I don't say that, as I don't want to hurt anyone's self esteem.

This would probably be a really good time to humblebrag about how I'm working 40+ hours a week, packing my kids healthy balanced lunches daily, and keeping my house spotlessly clean.

Well, the work part is true and I do pack lunches daily, but only because the school doesn't have a solution that just requires money. If I could sign them up for hippie Montessori style organic, free range lunches with lettuce they grew themselves and watered in a full moon with the blood of an Amish virgin, I would be all over that. I do outsource the house cleaning and it's possibly the best thing ever. Except for this week when they switched the locations of my shampoo and conditioner and I washed my hair in the wrong order.

It was seriously traumatic to have to pick between wasting conditioner or conditioning before shampooing. Don't worry, I kept the conditioner in one hand and then shampoo-ed with the other.

If that wasn't traumatic enough, then I got to work and I only had a chance to drink one free cup of coffee before they started testing the fire alarm system.

Work is great though, I can't complain. In fact, they even catered an "All You Can Eat Crab Fest" this week for all the employees. It will be a cold day in hell before I belly up to a table to pick out pieces of bug meat to eat while wearing my work clothes, but I can appreciate the gesture nonetheless. If you want more info on my crab/lobster/oyster views, Jim Gaffigan can explain it much better than me.

Are you pro or anti eating "snot from a rock" and ocean spiders?

Thursday, August 6, 2015

You have goat to be kidding me

Most of the time, I try to pretend that I don't live in the country. I'm from a built up area and that's really my preference. Some people like wide, open spaces and the sound of roosters, I prefer sidewalks and lots of restaurant choices...and no livestock sounds. Well, currently I hear a rooster crowing outside of my house every morning starting at 4am (stupid neighbors and their stupid chickens) and sometimes I can hear the cows mooing on the farm down the road.

My neighborhood HOA has decided to really embrace country living. This is an email I got yesterday:

Neighbors, You may have noticed by now that there are goats and sheep in the storm water ponds at the Starlight entrance.

We MAY have noticed? Don't you think the time for this email would have been before someone drove past what they thought was a bunch of funny looking dogs?

As you know, the maintenance of the ponds is a costly expense for the association and we are investigating alternative ways to keep them clear.

I guess this is a step up from my suggestion of fire?

1. The goats are here on a trial basis. We are trying to figure out if they will maintain the pond and how quickly it will take them to clear the vegetation.

It's a harsh work world for goats. Deliver or else!

2. The proprietor of the goats and sheep is responsible for all aspects, although there is a fee per animal for using them.

I'm really curious about goat fees. Are we at all concerned about them unionizing?

3. Please do not feed the animals. Anything other than the pond vegetation and straw/hay they are provided can upset their digestive system. They are friendly but, may nip at fingers if they are stuck into the fence.

I'm sure that won't be confusing for the children of the neighborhood. Most of them are totally aware of goat danger.

4. They are clever at escaping, but are easy to get back in. They push their noses under the fence and if they can get their heads out, they will get their bodies out. We are not asking the neighborhood to capture and return, but would ask that you call Goat Lady to let her know they are out and they will come put them back into the fenced area.

I'm not really sure that anyone in the neighborhood wants to do a goat capture and return, but thanks for that out. Also, I've heard that the main escapee goat is the pregnant one, so she'll probably teach her kids her ways and I'm going to have goats playing in my yard.   

I'm just so glad that my life choices have not led me to the place where I'm handing out my cell phone number for goat related concerns.

The board appreciates your support and welcomes any additional questions or concerns you may have.

 I'm so glad I'm not the one answering all of those emails.

In case you doubt this story at all (because it's almost like an Onion story), I have picture proof that I took on my way home from work yesterday.


Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Who needs quality when you can have random?

When it's been over a week since I did a blog post, it's basically impossible to have a coherent, well organized post. Well, not impossible, but who likes hard work?

Who is ready for some random bullet points?

I finally stopped dicking around with my diet and my shorts fit again. It took giving up Coke completely. I still want to drink soda and eat tons of candy, but I'm trying to restrain myself so I don't just end up back at Muffin Top-ville.

My kids love summer camp/school. One of the most common questions I get is about how the kids have adjusted to me going back to full time work. Granted, summer time is just fun activities and swimming, but I think they'll still be as excited to go in the fall.

She has an artistic vision

Clearly not having any fun
Faith does still exist I swear. Cordelia's teacher texts me pictures of her and Faith's does not, which is why I have no photographic proof of Faith's delight.

On the topic of Cordelia, like many girls her age, she is a huge Frozen fan. You'd think she'd be stoked to meet an Elsa, right? Nope, she was terrified. Once she calmed down, she wasn't tricked by the costume and said "NOT ELSA!" like 15 thousand times.

I will not tolerate forgery!

We took the kids to their first sporting event. Well, technically Faith has attended an Army/Navy game, but this is the first one where she actually cared about the event. Neither had a clue about baseball (much like their mother) but that didn't dampen their enthusiasm.

Fan fight!

Even the rain delay was a cause for kid excitement. I swear that Cordelia likes storms more than a normal kid and I blame her birth story.

Down with the Usurpers!

We made it to the third inning before we left, so I consider that a success. If one can really call sitting on a damp seat watching middle aged men throw a ball around a "success".

My husband has always traveled for work. When I stayed home with the kids, it sucked. Now that I'm working, it's a little better because it's not like I don't get a break from the kids, but I struggle to get everything done.

In running news, I'm signed up for a 10 mile race at the end of this month and a half marathon in November. Apparently I can't get enough of racing on minimal training.

Anyone have any tips/life hacks for ease of living when a spouse is on travel? I'm thinking I should try to batch make the kid lunches on the weekend? Do people even do that?

Monday, July 27, 2015

Endless Summer 6 Hour Race: Relay Time!

I've been doing running races for a few years now and I've done distances ranging from one mile to fifty, with odd distances like a metric marathon mixed in just for fun. Even with all that racing experience, I've never done a relay. I did my first relay on Saturday at the Endless Summer 6 Hour race in Annapolis, MD. It's one of my favorite races because it's at such a pretty park and it's exceptionally well organized with a low-key atmosphere.

 My friends are on a different level of race prep from me. When they picked me up at 4:55am on Saturday morning, I had an empty water bottle and an old towel. They had coolers full of snacks and drinks, a pop up tent, and chairs for everyone. We even had mason jars full of ice cold cucumber-mint water to sip as we sat in the shade. This was really more of a spa day than a race.

The weather was fantastic for July and I was actually chilly at the start. The race directors must have some ESP or control over the weather because the race premium this year was actually a pullover.

My kids are positive that's a spider as the logo

Since we had two relay teams, we ran in pairs. I went in the starting pair and I got to fully enjoy the rare cool summer morning. The first four mile loop seemed to go by really quickly and before I knew it, I was back at the start and done running for a bit. It felt a little like cheating to be sitting down and relaxing while the race was going on, but I pushed through and relaxed to the point of almost falling asleep.

My second time around the loop was quite a bit warmer, so we walked the inclines. Again, it went by really quickly (probably because the only other time I've run at this park has been for six hours at a time), and I was back at our tent/resort area. Due to relay team issues (no one wants those logistical details, right?), I ended up going out for a third loop early. I was happy to do that because sitting and then running and then sitting again wasn't my body's favorite activity.

By the time we finished that loop, it was almost at 5 hours on the race clock. We decided to have a snack and then go out as a whole team and walk until it was time to plant our flag markers at the end of the race. We had fun walking as a group and even took a detour to look at all the yachts on the river.

We haven't gotten the official results yet, but by our math we did about 28 miles as a team for the six hours. We also had a fantastic time, so it was a successful race.

Yeah, I don't follow outfit instruction well

I was supposed to wear black bottoms with a white top, but my laundry procrastination meant I was getting dressed from the dryer at 4:30am on Saturday morning and my give a damn was busted.

Don't worry, I was harassed all day for being a diva who isn't a team player.

As always, I highly recommend this race to anyone in the area. I don't think I'd do the relay again because I prefer to keep moving the whole time. Also a dude in the packet pick up line mocked relays and said he hasn't done a relay since elementary school, so clearly next year I need to beat him at the 6 hour solo race.

Which would you pick, a solo effort or a relay run for a 6 hour race? I don't know how people get through those Ragnar relays. My body is too old for that shit.