Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Death Wish

Dog's Log, Stardate 65874.3

I came so close to fulfilling my mission today, only to be foiled by that vile woman once again. She may even be catching on to my overall plan! After my botched attempt last week to end it all, I had the perfect opportunity today and I had to go for it.

It all started when that vile woman took me for another one of her death marches through the neighborhood. I don't know where her compulsion comes from and the really twisted part is that she thinks she does it for my benefit. Luckily, her concern about my "recovery" made her end the march early. Once back inside, I was again subjected to drinking lukewarm water from a bowl outside, like some kind of animal!

I am humiliated daily

Soon after we returned, that vile woman dressed her spawn in loudly colored clothing (they think I'm color blind, the FOOLS) and left. I had faked sleeping so she wouldn't put me in that horrid BOX again and it worked. Finally, I was free to try to find a way to end it all at last! I know another spawn is coming and my existence with just one of them is awful enough, I can't be outnumbered. There is only one way out!

I hop up on the kitchen island where I know a bottle of salvation resides. I've been plotting this for over a year now by ignoring the bottle to make that vile woman think I'm not interested. In fact, I've even avoided eating any non-food items off the counter in my short life to foster a false sense of comfort in her.

I was distracted by a box of cake on the island, but NO I must focus! I have to knock lots of stuff down, but finally I find it! I guess that vile woman must know my plan because there is some sort of lock on the bottle! I work and work at it, but just as I'm about to get it, I hear the garage door open! I hide and hope the spawn will distract her enough to not notice my plan in action.

As proof to the importance of my plan, that spawn betrayed me by finding the bottle and handing it to that vile woman! Blast it all to hell!

You win this battle, but the war will  be MINE!


End Dog's Log




Other than thwarting the dog's suicide attempts, I also took Faith to her second to last dance class. She got to wear a new outfit and new shoes, which is apparently overly exciting.

Stand still? NEVER!

I'm wearing my dancing shoes!

So much adorable in two little feet

Stomping is dancing, right?

After dance class and cleaning up the dog's mess (and condemning her to never roam free again when I'm not home), I also ran on the treadmill for a total of 6.5 miles for the day, but there was walking mixed in. For simplicity's sake, just assume that all my runs have walking mixed in at this point. I need the breaks to either catch my breath or cool off a little. Before pregnancy, I didn't count walking miles toward my weekly totals, but now I count all forward motion.


Do you count walking in your weekly mileage?


Ever have a pet with a death wish?

27 comments:

  1. haha! yes, my big dopey lab will eat anything that doesn't eat him first. Once he was so sick he was puking foam and blood and pooping blood. It all happened in one day. We had no idea what was going on--thought he had something stuck in his stomach. Turns out he just got into leftover lobster parts.... nice. $500 later he was fine.

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  2. Ha, seriously, I read that entire thing in Stewie Griffin's voice and it was PERFECT.

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    1. My husband makes me watch a lot of Family Guy :)

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    2. Heather - me too! I think it was the repeated "vile woman" that caused it.

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  3. Im pretty sure Charlie has a death wish every time Christian has "romping breath" (aka bourbon breath)except he's not bright enough to hide properly and runs to the top of the bed.

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  4. Aw poor Peanut!

    I don't count walking miles, like walking for a cool down or needing a break and walking. I do count it if it's part of my workout. Earlier this week, the plan called for 800m repeats with 90sec recovery (jog/walk/breathe whatever). I walked some of those and counted it.

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  5. It does seem like Peanut may have a death wish. I also sadly enjoyed reading this from the point of view of the dog...I should really evaluate what entertains me! :)

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  6. Walking doesn't count (unless you're knocked up) :)

    I came home once and found a PILE of xacto blades on the floor. My dumb mutt had eaten the box and wax paper surrounding them but left the blades. I was like a crazy woman looking in his mouth with a flashlight. No blood, so he was fine. He's also eaten packs of gum and really likes to chew on packing/duct tape. Fun stuff.

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  7. Always count my walking but then again - I am a 11/mile pace. That said, I know you aren't slower than that so I say count it.

    We had a dog that used to gnaw on walls. She'd lay next to the wall and just gnaw on it. It was lovely.

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  8. My dog's means to grant her death wish is barking at the front tires of moving vehicles. My father in law said "oh, she'll move", only to remove a good chunk of her face.

    Seems like a gruesome way to end it all. Pills seem a lot smarter, really.

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  9. Sounds like someone has been reading too much "Texts From Dog."

    If this humidity keeps up, I'm going to have to start counting walking or I'll be out for hours trying to hit the distance I want.

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  10. I had to give myself several pep talks to make it through the "dog's log" because I hate people pretending to give voices to animals so much. Apparently Peanut is Stewie? Thank god there were adorable Faith pictures at the end. I never count walking towards mileage (except on trails, obviously) but I did on Monday. I was ashamed, but it happened.

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    1. at least she didn't call it a "fur baby"

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  11. and since you deleted my first comment, here it is again:

    Did you actually calculate today's stardate? Are you really that nerdy?

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    1. I have no idea where your first comment went. The internet ate it!

      I did actually use an online calculator for last night's stardate. I really am that nerdy.

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  12. Not a bad blog post for such a vile woman!

    This is so awesome. I award you The Funniest Blog Post Of The Week. You're welcome. You earned it.

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    1. Totally agreeing with Cory on this.

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  13. All forward motion counts. That's why I got heelies for my next marathon. Roll on! HAHAHAHAHA!

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  14. Nooo Peanut, don't do it! Everyone knows you're the star of this blog :)

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  15. That's crazy about Peanut! And I count walking laps around my house as exercise because that's all I can do at this point :)

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  16. Faith's little sandals are so cute! I love little sandals. I don't even have children and I have to hold myself back from buying them when I see them in stores.

    Peanut's portion of the post absolutely cracked me up especially the death march part.

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  17. I count the walking miles if I was intending exercise versus just strolling around. For example, yesterday I went out for a run, but the 92F weather with massive humidity caused me to slow to a light jog, then a walk on the uphills. I counted all of that.

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  18. We babysat my brother's Great Dane and she once ate a wicker drawer and then ate - chewed the glass - 3 small bottles of essential oils. We found the lids and pieces of glass on the floor in the middle of the wicker carnage. Her breath smelled suspiciously like lavendar.

    And I have to mention that after surviving 3 measely runs in the insane humidity of southern MD, you are a rock star in my book for braving that on a regular basis.

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  19. We have a cat with a death wish. Jackson is on a strict diet of prescription food. We have tried everything to keep him from eating stuff but he's like a vacuum cleaner. Bread, he steals it. Pasta, he takes it off your plate.

    The latest thing we found him eating: food out of the garbage disposal. Literally, his head is in the garbage disposal. I know that one day I will come home and there will be "cat" smeared all over our white kitchen.

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  20. Love Peanut's log! LOL!

    I count walks over 1 mile long...unless it's walking around at the mall or the zoo.

    Faith is just too cute!

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  21. Peanut doesn't get dancing shoes? No phone, no shoes, no dress -- it's really a tragedy how you deprive her whilst shamelessly indulging the other one to such excesses.

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