Suck it up cupcake

When you're pregnant, you have lots of things to complain about that are worthy ailments. I've known women who get such bad heartburn that they have to sleep upright to keep the vomit from gurgling up into their mouths as they sleep and I've know other women who swell the point of not being able to wear normal shoes. While there are many unpleasant parts of the experience, there are some thing just not worth bitching about.

More so when I was pregnant with Faith than now, but I read a lot of pregnancy blogs (or really, blogs that I already read turned into pregnancy blogs) and I occasionally scanned message boards at sites like BabyCenter and The Bump. Side note, those women are freaking vicious. It's like watching a pack of feral dogs tormenting a lone cat when some poor woman logs on and asks a simple question like "Can I eat a hot dog?" (hint: the answer is "Maybe, and may God have mercy on your soul for asking). I haven't looked at those boards in this pregnancy, but I assume they are the same level of awful as before.

Based on my readings and personal experiences, here is my list of "You need to suck it up cupcake" pregnancy ailments.

The glucose test. At 26 weeks, you have to go to the doctor, drink a small glucose drink and wait an hour for a blood draw. That's the full extent of it, but people get all dramatic about it "OMG, I almost VOMITED and PASSED OUT from the drink! It was literally the worst thing I've ever tasted".

First of all, if that's the worst thing you've ever tasted, you should be thankful that you've lived such a healthy life because it's by far the best drink a doctor is ever going to prescribe for testing. Try drinking quarts of banana flavored barium for GI testing and get back to me about the horrors of a little bottle of chilled, flavored sugar water.

Also, trying to "cheat" the glucose test is one of the dumbest things ever, yet I see women talk about it all time. "What should I eat before?" Well, let's see...the doctor's orders clearly state "eat a normal breakfast" but you can't possibly let him know that you eat 2 bowls of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs every morning, so you have a hard boiled egg and a piece of dry wheat toast instead. Well done Einstein, I hope your unchecked gestational diabetes 13lb baby rips you asunder. That'll show the doctor who is boss.

Complaining about needles. The best is when this is combined with declarations of intentions for an unmediated birth (because THAT will surely be less painful than a needle prick). You know who cries about needles? Small children. That's pretty much the only acceptable demographic. You don't have to love needles (in fact, I'd be worried about you if you did) but you do need to contain the "I have SUFFERED greatly!" exclamations about getting a little blood drawn.

Freaking drama queen

Complaints about getting full too fast. I can't think of any more of a first world problem than getting full quickly and having to save your surplus food to eat later on.

Yes, I know it's annoying and it's a pain to not be able to gorge yourself to the full extent of your desires, but it's really not worth constant mention.



Endlessly talking about how you wish you could drink. We all have days (or conversations) that leave us with a strong desire to unwind with an adult beverage, but when you constantly say "I miss beer" and add an unhappy face emoticon, you sound like a spoiled brat or an alcoholic (your choice).

It is totally ok to talk about how the lack of raw fish sushi has made your life colorless and devoid of joy. I understand that.

Getting bigger. Yes, you will gain weight while growing a small person and how that weight looks on you depends on frame, genetics and nutrition choices. Constantly referencing how fat you feel is fairly annoying, like having a friend who demands "Does this make me look fat?" after trying on every outfit on a shopping trip. Think it if you want, but just know when you ask it repeatedly, people are probably inwardly rolling their eyes and wondering if you actually got fat if you'd be more fun.

Also, people lie to pregnant people all the time so you could be turning into a sallow faced gelatinous whale-like beast and people will still insist that you are "Glowing!" and "Look fantastic!". You're probably better off just sucking up your need to fish for compliments.


What's the most annoying complaint you hear on a regular basis? My non-pregnancy favorite is the "I'm SO busy" complaint, usually delivered sitting in a coffee shop or at a playground.

As always, I'm deeply sorry if this post offended you.