Obstacle races. Back when they first started to get popular, I did a Warrior Dash race and I remember thinking "This is going to be so cool! The website has lead me to believe this is a hardcore challenge!". Then on race day I lined up with a bunch of drunk non-runners and within 5 minutes I was standing in a line to crawl through cow shit and I realized I was a huge sucker.
|I paid 65 bucks for the privilege of scraping my knees in a vat of cow shit|
There are obstacle races that present an actual physical challenge (like the Tough Mudder) but those races seem to enjoy putting the runners in dangerous situations, like making them run through live wires and proudly displaying photos on their website of people being taken away in arm splints on stretchers. I love running way too much to risk getting some dumbass injury from a manufactured obstacle.
Color Runs. You may have not heard of these, but it's an untimed 5K and they throw colored dust on you. That's it. That's the whole gimmick and these things SELL OUT. I don't get it. You pretty much lost me at "untimed".
First of all, 5Ks aren't supposed to be fun. It's 3.1 miles of hard running. I don't pay money to pussy foot around and hold hands with strangers instead of running to the best of my ability on that particular day. I've run 5Ks pregnant and running those 3 miles when I'm not allowed to go all out was so boring, I can't imagine paying extra for that level of "fun".
Don't even get me started on how getting colored shit thrown on you is "fun". You know who thinks that kind of thing is fun? Toddlers. That's because they don't have to do their own laundry.
Relay races. Things like Ragnar are really popular right now and I feel like I've read about so many relay races that I basically have that sweaty runner van smell on me. If you're not familar with this type of race, here it is in a nutshell: You and 12 (or 6 if you're HARDCORE) of your friends, but more likely absolute strangers, pile in white vans and run 200ish miles by each taking turns, all day and night. When you're not running, you sit in the increasingly smelly, sweaty van and have forced small talk with the other runners and fight over the good parts of the Chex Mix.
Since you have to wait long periods of time between your runs (just enough time to get stiff and cranky!), you are allowed to sleep, but good luck with that. But don't worry! Eventually you all get to cross the finish line together and shed girlish tears over the majestic feat of running 200 miles in a fucking sparkle skirt.
Also, I'm not running at 2am unless I'm running an ultra. There is no way in hell I'm going to run 7 miles at 2am, that's just stupid. Running 100 miles is logical compared to that, at least then I'm losing a whole night of sleep for a good reason.
Any Hot Chocolate or RAM racing event. Ever. I've learned my lesson.
Rock and Roll race series. I have nothing negative to say about how these races are organized (some of them have issues, but all large events do), but I refuse to do them. Why? I hate people.
Everything about these events is dealing with crowds, from packet pickup to the finish line. These races are fun for some people, but I'll stick to small races with race day packet pick up, even if that means I won't get good "swag" or see some washed up band play for me as I elbow my way through a sweaty crowd in a post-race "beer garden".
Now that I've recorded all of these, someone can pull this up as a reference of my hypocrisy if I ever do these races in the future. I feel pretty safe though, unless the pain from my rib area makes me lose all reason and I start to think an untimed all night relay race sounds awesome.
In case anyone was wondering, my abdominal sonogram was fine this morning, but I won't know the results until Thursday morning. Until then, I have my new smug hipster shoes to give me comfort.
What's your opinion on any of the above races? If you just ran a relay race in a sparkle shirt, I apologize for any offense.