It could be worse

Have you ever had an embarrassing affliction and made yourself feel better by thinking about how it could be worse? There is no better time to employ this technique than when you're pregnant. Pregnancy has no shortage of incredibly disgusting and uncomfortable side effects, so it's pretty easy to think of something worse than what you have going on.

I'm hitting that stage of pregnancy when I start eliciting sympathy from strangers when I go out. Even old ladies at the grocery story are looking at me like "You poor fucker" when they see me out trying to shop with an overly helpful toddler (she likes to put groceries in the cart the same way NFL players like to spike touchdown balls).

I can't help that Mommy doesn't appreciate my help

So I have an embarrassing pregnancy related confession, but before I get to it, I want to discuss horrible things that are way worse than what I have going on. It's all about perspective.


Skin changes: It's not abnormal for you to get a few new freckles when you're pregnant, but some women get completely screwed. Ever heard of PUPPS?

OMFG

PUPPS is a chronic rash that afflicts pregnant women and it's not just unsightly, it itches too. Don't worry, for the majority of women it magically disappears within a week of delivery.

If you don't get PUPPS, you could still get skin tags or a "mask of pregnancy" which is when your face gets darker in spots (but at least it doesn't itch?).

I'm sure make up can cover that....yeah

Split abs. Ever feel like you've done so many sit ups that your abs could literally split? Yeah, when you're pregnant that's an actual option, thanks to this lovely hormone called "relaxin" that helps you get ready to birth a baby by making every muscle and ligament all loosey goosey.

Yeah, this doesn't magically fix itself after birth either

Pink toothbrush. When you're pregnant, your hormones are nuts and that can mess with your teeth. For many pregnant women, brushing their teeth looks like a murder scene, but some women get really shafted by the hormone effect on the mouth. You can get a "pregnancy tumor" in your mouth. Yeah, this:

Maybe hold off on that maternity pictures photoshoot

Ok, after all these horrible afflictions, mine won't seem as bad...hopefully.


Confession: When I got pregnant with Faith, I noticed that I have an extra nipple...in my arm pit. An arm pit tit if you will.

I've always had a mark there, but I thought it was a freckle or birth mark. It's actually much more noticeable with this pregnancy and I have spent all summer with a mini boob hanging out of my tank tops.

Can you notice it?

How about now?

BOOB

Again, this could be much, much worse. Any of these are potential spots for an extra nipple, so I think I got lucky.

So many horrifying options

So this "witch's tit" (I'm not even making that nickname up) will either fade away after pregnancy and breastfeeding, which it did after I had Faith, or I can get it removed if it bothers me. It doesn't normally stick out (pregnancy makes it noticeable) so I doubt I'll get it removed.

If you're wondering why I'm telling the world about this, it's because

A. It's hilarious and it's not fair for me to keep this to myself.

B. I really enjoy freaking people out about pregnancy.

C. Maybe someone else out there has the same thing and it's always fun to find other freaks like yourself.


Do you have any embarrassing afflictions? Don't be shy.

Feel free to mock my arm pit tit in the comments. I would disappointed if you didn't.

This was brought to my attention and needs to be included:

My husband feels cheated