8 months and 2 years

There is a saying that pregnancy isn't 9 months long, it's actually 8 months and 2 years because the last month feels like it will never end. Today is October 1st, so that means I'm exactly a month away from my due date and thus have entered "The Month of Angst". If you're wondering, November will be the "Month of Despair" until I finally have the kid, then it will magically transform into the "Month of the Donut Pillow".

There are a few fundamental things I expect from this month:

1. I will make people nervous in public, especially when they ask "When are you due?" and I say something like "Next week". Since I live in such a small town area, employees at the local stores actually seem to remember me from week to week and I'm already getting the "Can't be much longer now, huh?" I always want to say "Yeah, you should probably be following me with the mop and bucket" and then awkwardly laugh, but I restrain on myself.

I reckon some lady's water done broke

2. My husband will suffer. Sure, he'd argue that his suffering started a long time ago, but it's only going to get worse this month. Heaven forbid he goes "Ho ho hoooo" like Jabba the Hutt when he's fetching me dessert as I lay like a beached whale on the couch.

3. People will anger me. This is closely related to number 2, but by this I mean well meaning people who say things like "My sister drank raspberry leaf tea and her baby came 4 days early! Have you tried the tea?" or offer even better suggestions like drinking castor oil or shoving evening primrose oil suppositories up my hoo-ha to "ripen" my cervix like it's some kind of sub-par fruit being sold at the Kwik-e-Mart.

Do you want to know what can induce labor for someone who is 9 months pregnant? Um, absolutely anything because you are a FREAKING TIME BOMB primed to explode. Listen, I could do the Hokey Pokey every hour of every day until I go into labor, but that sure as hell doesn't mean the Hokey Pokey induces labor. People are really challenged by the concept of causation versus correlation.

Shaking the babies out of pregnant women, that's what. 

4. I will become increasingly nervous about going through labor and birth again. You'd think the first time would be the worst because you don't know what you're getting into, but I honestly thought it wouldn't be that bad and a lot of those women on "A Baby Story" were just drama queens. Turns out this whole labor and delivery thing has a bad rap for a reason.

Preach on little fat girl, preach on

Yes, I had a lovely epidural last time and that made a huge difference, but it's not like I didn't feel anything during the actual birth (don't make me post the photo of what forceps look like again). Then the aftermath, oh the aftermath. The best part is how I felt like it was bad because it was taking the doctor so long to finish patching me back together, but she wouldn't answer my question directly when I asked "How bad is it?"

This is basically what happened

This is why when people say to me "I bet you won't be able to last 6 weeks without running again after birth" I just laugh. If it's anything like last time, then I can't see that even being a temptation. Maybe this baby won't have a head size in the 97+% percentile, but I doubt I'm that lucky. Plus, things like "risk of uterine prolapse and/or permanent incontinence" are powerful motivators for resting and healing before running again. I won't have any friends if I pee myself every time I run. Even the dog won't want to be seen with me. I know some people get clearance to run again at 4 weeks post postpartum  but my doctor's office doesn't even see you again until 6 weeks so that's not going to happen either.


5. At some point, I'll probably start having random, meaningless contractions. With Faith, those started around 38 weeks, yet they did jack shit in terms of progress. It's really fun when it happens at night and you are up for an hour timing the sporadic contractions and thinking "Is this it?" and then they just stop.

It's like an April Fool's joke from your uterus.


Which month of the year do you think feels the longest? I usually think March because by that point, you're really tired of winter and spring still feels far away.